


The One Where Scout Learns (or Not) a Valuable Lesson on Personal Property

by AifasInTheSky



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Humor, Spy is the worst parent ever, That Thing That's Everywhere That You Don't Know The Name Of But You Will At The End Of The Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2019-04-22 06:01:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14302353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AifasInTheSky/pseuds/AifasInTheSky
Summary: Sniper didn't sign up for this.





	The One Where Scout Learns (or Not) a Valuable Lesson on Personal Property

“Hey, what the hell is _that_ thing?”

“Oi!”

Scout dug up the strange artifact from Sniper’s bag. It was a weird thing, looking kind of like a metal, long-legged spider - but with a stick in its middle. The hell did Snipes use that for?

“No one taught you not to mess with other people’s stuff?”

“Hey Snipes, what’s this? Some sorta weapon?” He examined the thing more closely. “Nah, its tips are rounded. Though it could probably mess up someone’s eyes.” He wielded it like a broken bottle, aiming for Sniper’s eyes.

“Give that back!” Sniper snarled and snatched the device from his hands. He grumbled, looking at it, tweaking one of its ‘legs’. “If it's buggered you’re going to pay me for it.”

“I did nothing, I swear!” Scout jumped, hands up in the air. “Just looking at it. So what does it do, huh? Hey, maybe it’s an antenna! To catch radio signal! Why didn’t ya tell us before? I’ve been trying to listen to Red Sox games since we got he-“

“Could you please shut up for a second?” Sniper growled. “If you must know, it’s a-” He cut himself short and looked away, grumbling, his cheeks red. “Aw, hell, it’s just a- a massage device.”

“A _what_?”

“Australian invention.” Sniper looked uncomfortable. “You put it on your head and it scratches it.”

“What? No way. How do ya turn it on? I don’t see any switches.”

“Not everything is automatic, you daft bugger. You grab it by the handle, see? And-”

“Could ya show me? Come on, it looks kinda creepy but I’m curious. Enlighten me to the wonders of Spidey Thing.”

“’Spidey Thing’?” Sniper snorted. A smirk appeared on his face. “Well, if you insist…”

And he walked behind Scout and dug the object in his head.

“Ow! That hurts!” Scout complained and tried to move away. Sniper grabbed his shoulder.

“Stay still, wanker, it just stings a bit when you get it on. It goes away.”

“You better hope it does-” Sniper started bobbing the thing up and down. “Ohhh yeah- god, that feels awesome!”

“It does, doesn’t it?” Sniper asked, smiling.

“Oh yeah.” Scout groaned, and sat on a chair. Sniper followed him, still scratching him. “Ohhh man, it’s like heaven on earth-“ He shivered. “-Man… Best… Invention… Ever…”

“Awesome little bugger, isn’t she?”

“Definitely. Ohhh there- there, keep going…” He let out another groan. “Yeah, like that…”

Suddenly, the rec room door slammed open and Spy got in, eyes like saucers. He looked at Sniper and Scout, alarmed, and when he saw what was going on his mouth started trembling. Until he couldn’t keep it anymore and burst off laughing like a madman, that snorting, irritating laugh of his.

“What the hell? Spy, we were in the middle of something!”

Scout turned around to see Sniper had backed away, releasing the thing as if burned, hands up. He was glaring daggers at Spy, cheeks red again. He maybe ought to feel embarrassed too, but come on, it was just fine till now, Spy could go to hell.

“Oh you _certainly_ were,” Spy purred, mocking. Scout bristled.

“Bugger off, Spook - the kid wanted to know-”

“Hey, who’s a kid here? I’m twenty-five, assholes!”

“Yes, yes, excuse us for offending your delicate sensibilities,” Spy brushed him off. He directed his full attention towards Sniper, smirking like the cat that got the canary. “But pray tell, bushman: how did you get your dirty hands on an Orgasmatron?”

“A _WHAT?!_ ” Scout looked at Sniper, who went beet red. He snatched the thing off his head and threw it to the other side of the room. “Ew! What the hell, Snipes?! _Gross!_ ”

“Shut up, ya bugger, it’s just a stupid name-”

“Where the hell’s that thing been at? And on my head-“ His hands went to his hair, then released it as if it were on fire. “Get that away from me; and never, _ever_ bring it up-”

“See if that teaches you not to search my stuff again, you bloody bogan!”

But Scout had already ran out of the room and straight to the bathroom, to stick his head in the sink and scrub at his hair and his hands again and again and again and oh god-

Meanwhile, Spy was being chased by Sniper outside the base, cackling madly as the Australian threw colorful insults at him.

The Orgasmatron laid abandoned in the floor of the rec room, a few of its legs twisted, awaiting its next victim.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I lied: this thing burst out of my brain like a fever dream when I was reading about Marxism and Literature (???) and I couldn't stop typing help
> 
> I'm not going to make any promises of writing or not but now I'm going to be studying seriously for real, so... yeah.
> 
> Also: everything is true. At least according to Wikipedia. Look at this article: [[link]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orgasmatron_\(massage_device\))
> 
> The only inaccurate thing would be that the thing was invented in the 90's so it's kind of out of date, but come on, it's TF2, Australia is overdeveloped, they probably invented it before than in our timeline
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
